Perfect Peace

This weekend my mind was not in perfect peace...in fact, I had to email multiple people to pray my mind would get into "perfect peace" because I could sense myself drifting into quite the opposite. So, I spent the last couple of days trying to recall that one verse about Peace, and Keeping it, and something about Trust, and the Mind....grrrr, "what was that verse?" I kept thinking.

I also kept thinking about the book Pilgrim's Progress and how Christian has to endure many trials and ordeals. Often times his mind tempts him to doubt, to fear, and to stray. It was always just in the right moment that the Owner of Celestial City rescues Him or delivers Him, or sends someone to help Him. In one situation Christian is locked in the castle of Doubting Castle where Giant Despair beats him every night. Christian is on the verge of losing all hope when he finally looks down at the scroll he has been carrying (on which is written His name in book of Life) since he found the Cross, and he notices a Key stuck in the wax seal. On the key is engraved the word Promise. Christian uses the key to open the doors of the castle and he finally escapes the castle at the last moment! It is very exciting, especially when you read the children's version like I am and there are lots of pictures!

Stick with me here....there is a point.

So, it just struck me that God's promises are the Key to our escape from doubt, fear, anxiety, despair, anger, etc. All these things are the opposite of Perfect Peace. God's promises are in His Word and we are to meditate on them. We are to fix our thoughts on them and memorize them. They are the keys that unlock us from Doubting Castle.

So tying things together here...this last weekend I was not remembering, meditating, or memorizing the Promises of God in His Word. I was not fixed on them. I was not steadfast. So, the Lord brought to mind the random words of a verse heard long, long ago. Last night I found it in my bible I have had since 2nd Grade at St. Peter's Lutheran (it's my favorite - all the pages are coming out).

Isaiah 26:3 - (NIV version is the easiest to memorize!)

"You will keep in Perfect Peace him whose mind is steadfast,

because he trusts in you."

Tribute to Wilmar, Minnesota

Nearly one year agO I left to spend 6-weeks in Wilmar, MN doing my ER rotation. I just go in contact with the head-cheese ER doctor there and they are thinking of hiring PA's to cover some of the shifts. That would be great!

For some reason Wilmar holds a special place in my heart....

Perhaps it was the most amazing coffee shop called LuLu Beans (located inside a house),

or the windy wind, or the vast expanse of rolling green hills and lakes.

Perhaps it was the great house I stayed at (thanks Rachel Green!!) with the great view (see below and doggie), or the great nurses and MD's in the ER.

There was a beautiful little yellow house I wanted me or Caleb to buy on Wilmar Lake itself, but that obviously wouldn't have worked.

I think more than anything it was the daily peace and quiet from not having to hustle and bustle through life. I worked, slept, ate, attempted to run, wrote a lot of emails, read, and did devotions. That's about it. There were no committments, no obligations (except the long ER hours!), and I could just calmly drive the 3 miles to work on country roads that wrapped around lakes. It was at times lonely, and yet it wasn't. So, I attach some photos to show you the wonders of Wilmar and God's beautiful creation in all it's simplicity.

And my personal favorite...

It once was lost, but now?

I would just like to send a shout out to my mother - and to the Lord!

I have been in a panic the last few days after the disappearance of a very critical accessory in my life this past Sunday night. I have re-traced all my steps, I have called every store or public location I have visited, and I have sent out email prayer requests. I have actually shed tears over this and lost sleep at night - yes, I am that tightly wound right now (hey, it was the night before an interview and decision-making time!). I came home today after my interview (which went well - more later), exhausted and disappointed I still hadn't found my beloved side-kick. In a gushing of sadness I told my parents my troubles, only to hear my mom say, "Oh, i know where it is...I thought you had just decided not to use it for awhile. It's on the banister upstairs." I ran upstairs, in utter jubilation and elation, and I layed eyes on my comforting friend......

.......


It was there, just as I left it....


my beautiful, lavender, Ipod-shuffle.

Now I can resume studying in peace, surrounding myself with calming music, and trying to stay focused on studying for another few weeks. Beyond on these things it was a special gift.

So, the Lord is really gracious to provide for all my needs, to remember the details of life, and to remind me that He is intimately acquainted with all my ways. Praise the Lord!!!! Thank goodness also for a very detailed and observant mother who remembers everything, or at least can reason most things out :) Nancy-Drew is her middle name.

Trabajo?

I have an interview today at noon for a Spanish-speaking family practice job! Please pray for discernment, good communication, and trust that God will lead me to the "right" place. He is faithful, but I am still battling those nerves!

"The breeze can only be when she overcomes the heat."

How true it is...a breeze is often most refreshing against the heat of the day/night. But without the heat, as in Minnesota winter's, the breeze just doesn't seem as refreshing. The wind however is always there. Like the wind, God's Goodness and Mercy are always following by our side. It just seems though that we don't appreciate them as much until we think we have lost them. For example, I have never been so thankful for a calm and peaceful heart after a time/day/moment/season of restlessness and trial. Praise God for a fresh realization of His promise and presence in our days, even when it takes a little more to get our attention onto them.

Just remember that when the heat is on, or the "sponge is being squeezed" in your life, God's Goodness and Mercy are even stronger, and He will overcome the heat. He is ALWAYS there. In His perfect 'chairos' timing, He will pass by, and you will feel His gentle touch against your face.

In my lap!

God sort of dropped a job interview into my lap over the past 72 hours. It is this coming Wednesday at noon. You can pray, that's helpful :) It's at a HCMC satellite clinic in a low-income neighborhood, hence they need a Spanish speaker. We'll see how it goes, but I am just plain-old GRATEFUL to have an opportunity to interview for a job. Who knows? God knows.

Coffee Shops Across the Twin Cities - here I come!

Since I started PA school nearly 3 years ago I have "frequented" many many many many coffee shops. I have a unique appreciation for each of them. I have sorted them by price, location, hours of operation, environment, noise level, and the number of shots of espresso in the S/M/L beverages. I could probably write an analysis for City Pages if they asked.

All that to say, over time I have developed oddly good relationships with a handful of baristas who have seen me study Friday nights, Saturday nights, Sunday mornings, Valentine's day, New Year's Eve, on gorgeous sunny days, looking both wretchedly tired and suprisingly at peace. In fact today I am actually wearing a T-shirt from my MOST FAVORITE coffee shop, LuLu Beans, in Wilmar. Their bran muffins are so amazing that I had my family come out to visit mostly just to experience their goodness - they even beat Mrs. Buker's - and those are good.

As I near the end of my time in school they see the excitement (and stress) growing. Funny enough, I am now starting to be offered a free 'on the house' coffee as a graduation present. It's like the cities of Mpls, St. Paul, Bloomington, Edina, and Richfield are willing me towards graduation. I feel almost carried on by their encouragement. It is just such an odd and surreal feeling to have connections with total, but not total, strangers in the cities. It is very humbling to have a total stranger take interest in your boring life, to genuinely ask how things are going, and to think it's "so cool" I am doing this. Personally, I know it's not very cool, but I think people recognize it's a challenging thing and for some crazy reason admire a person that walks through it. We have bonded over grad school and beverages. Coffee is apparently the great uniter of us all ;)

So, thank you Twin Cites coffee shops for your encouragement, hours of operation, free samples, and wonderful friendships (the lady at the 54th and Lyndale Starbucks, the 494 and Penn Caribou barista, the Wilmar owner, the Nokomis Beach Cafe owner!). Hopefully one day I will be treating you, your kids, your neighbors, or somebody you know....because we all need a helping hand or a cup of coffee.

A Fruit Tree

During the Lenten season of the Christian church it is common to "give up" something as a way to resist temptation, or to deny something to yourself, and focus on Christ's sacrifice. Being a good Lutheran in high school I once gave up pop - crazy! During the Lenten service last week at North Heights Lutheran Church the pastor shared that studies have shown that people that resist temptations of sorts (avoiding foods, tv watching, etc) have poorer outcomes on tests/exams/tasks afterwards. His point was that resisiting temptation drains us of even our ability to think and function.

The pastor went on to explain that in our Christian walks resisting the temptations of our flesh, the world, and the devil is down-right exhausting. We often fail. I often fail. But He reminded us that Christ was the only MAN to resist all temptation because He had the power of God in Him. Christians, by definition, have died to their sinful nature by God's supernatural grace, and are now filled with Christ. The same power that enabled Christ to live a perfect life of obedience on earth is the same power that lives in us.




He desribed a fruit tree and said that we can't hang our arms out and grow apples, oranges, or whatever fruit. Only a fruit tree can grow those things. Likewise, a human cannot grow love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness or self-control because we do not have that nature in us. BUT, because it is Christ that actually now lives for His saved ones, HE & the Holy Spirit can actually bear that fruit in us. We have to actually step out of our human flesh and ask God's spirit to take over. This, he explained, is not a one time event. This is an every time you get angry, anxious, fearful, bitter, rude, harsh, impatient, hopeless, indulgent, jealous, or judgemental. In the actual moment you have to stop, actually die to yourself by confessing your lack of ability to bear the desired good fruit in your own flesh, and ask the Holy Spirit to do it for you. For me, a pretty rational person, it is sometimes hard to believe this "works". But, you know, it does. There is something supernatural about it, and I guess that is what faith is. Moreso, I think that is what it means to actually experience the lifechanging power of Christ in your life.

I challenge you next time you find yourself reacting in your flesh, conceeding to temptation, believing a lie about God...I challenge you to pray in the moment for the Holy Spirit to take over in a particular way. I can guarentee you that you will have to do it over and over and over again. But, God is patient, long-suffering, and He does not turn us away with a "you again?" Experience the Holy Spirit. Experience "Christ in you" and "become what you already are" - a new creation.

Another fantastic Faith!

Can you love someone anymore than this????

Fantastic Faith!

Over the past few months the Lord has been teaching me about Faith. A friend pointed out that I have great faith in some things, but there are particular areas where my lack of faith really holds me back and I end up getting "stuck" in life. Do you have areas where there is consistent lack of faith? Is there an area in your life where you tend to doubt God's sovereignty, goodness, provision, or generosity? One usually doesn't have to think long before that area of weakness comes to mind. I don't know about you, but I would LOVE freedom from lack of faith. Abba Father, make us women of Faith who delight in you, who hide in you, who do not live through themselves but by you who lives in us!!!

God is so kind to give us a desire to be faithful and to have Faith in Him, in His promises, and in His Word. Yet, the mark of a believer is the frustrating realization of unbelief or lack of faith in their heart. I tend to think there is something "wrong" with me, but truly, that realization is a beautiful thing. There IS something wrong with me - it is my sinful nature at work in me. But, Praise be to God, as in Romans 7: 24, He has delivered me from the power of sin! He infuses His Holy Spirit in us and gives us His perfect nature, that He may work out the fruits of the Holy Spirit for us.

I just want to leave you with the most encouraging piece from a devotional called "God's Word for Today" by Hallesby. It was given to my parents in 1974 as a wedding gift from Pastor Johannson (sp?) of Trinity Lutheran Church of Minnehaha Falls, the church where my dad grew up. It is fantastic.

March 12
"I believe, yet help my unbelief!" Thus did this believing father cry out in his distress. And thus cries Faith in every time of need...Faith can never arise except where the the old self dies. The death of self and the birth of faith are inseperable. Since death is always painful, so is also the dying of the old self. There will always be an aspect of faith which is painful. A sinner cannot come to faith in Christ without at the same time losing faith in himself.

Faith, therefore is, to begin with, always a sorrowing, sighing, weeping, doubting faith. For the sinner does not see his faith; he sees only his unbelief...But that faith IS present, the rest of us can see without difficulty. We see it in a number of things. First and foremost that the sinner suffers as a result of his unbelief and prays for faith. At such a time faith is already fully active within him/her. For to believe is to come to Christ with you sins. He who keeps near the cross of Christ with all his sins believes, even though he cannot see his faith, only his unbelief.

Faith lives as long as it struggles.

Hear that, dear child of God, you who are restless so much of the time and never can get you faith to be as good as you desire it. Say as the man in our text did: "I believe, but help my unbelief!"

Say what you need to say

A young guy at my sister's church is about to pass from here into the loving arms of his heavenly Father following a snowboarding accident. Amidst all the thoughts that brings into one's head the one that sticks out the most is that they didn't get to say goodbye (because he is in a coma and has been unconscious since the accident first occurred yesterday).

It just makes you think about meeting your Maker and be ready to meet Him. Are you ready to meet Him? Have you tidied-up things on earth? Are there unresolved conflicts, strained relationships? Stubborn hearts or unforgiveness? Is there something on your heart you have been wanting to say to someone but keep "waiting for the right time"? Have you told your kids you love them? Have you told your parents you love them? Have you called your siblings, thanked your grandparents, or touched-base with the people you walk life with?

Are you ready?

I have heard at multiple weddings the "8 most important words of your life":

I'm sorry.
I forgive you.
I love you.

I love you mom and dad - what a journey!

I love you Katie, Matt, Rob, Faithy, Pebo, and Punkin

Thank you to my wonderful extended family for so much prayers and encouragement recently. I am truly blessed.

My friends, thank you for accepting me in all my imperfections, thank you for letting me love you, and thank you for loving me.

My Savior, thank you for your unending grace and forgiveness, mercy, kindness, long-suffering, faithfulness, compassion, acceptance, and unfailing promises...it is who you are.

And, to whoever God has to be my future man and family...I can't wait until it all works out.

Sometimes you need to just say what you need to say.

Ode to a 20-yr-old

At the Nowcare I am at I do a lot of DOT (Department of transportation) and occupational physicals . This means that anyone that needs a job involving driving or anyone who needs a work physical comes to me and we fill out a lot of paperwork. It mostly involves blue-collar men, ages 25-65, who drive trucks. Suprisingly, yesterday I got a form for a 20yr old male, which is sort of young. Immediately, I looked over the chart and thought to myself, "Great, he is going to hate having a slightly older female do his hernia check!" But, you do what you have to do. So, I proceded to realize it was a work physical and application for a local company. I noticed his interests were hockey, shooting off rockets, and remote-controlled cars....I don't think they come more "boy" then that. I go in the room and this kid is bright eyed and chatty. We laughed about the complex paperwork that could have cleared him for the Marines although it was just for an internship in engineering at a local company. He said, " I am just a sophomore, I don't know what they think I will be doing since i have to be cleared to use a respirator. I don't know anything!" We had a good laugh at the thoroughness of his forms. They wanted a drug test (normal to ask), blood counts, lung tests, urine samples, social security, first pet's name, etc...you get the picture

I wish I could give you the picture...imagine a happy go lucky, slightly nerdy, Minnetonka-like kid, with blond hair and glasses, slightly akward around me, a chemical engineer major, sort of really straight-laced and innocent looking. He had no idea how precious he was, in a little brother sort of way, and how I was anticipating the awkwardness of certain parts of his physical exam.

For instance, he failed his pulmonary function tests because they are really hard to perfrom correctly. He got a low score, and I said, "that's probably the only low-score you have ever got in your life." He said, "yes, that's true" and laughed. I told him how to breathe more correctly for the testing and he said "Man, i shouldn't have quit the choir". Funny. Just funny. Later, in my excellent judgement, I decided the "male exam" could be skipped since he was only going to be doing an internship with the engineering department, not demolition duty. At one point during the exam I was examing his abdominal and back muscles for the form (why they want to know how strong his abs are is beyond me) and he was a little slow in the exercises i needed him to do. He sort of laughed awkwardly and says, "Oh, i guess I shouldn't have worked out yesterday....I am sort of sore." It was funny. He was embarrased. Poor kid. When I checked his patellar (knee) reflexes he says upbeatly, "Oh, i love this part!" I mean, the guy was so nerdy, but it was just so refreshingly funny. He essentailly hopped off the exam table when we were all done and bounded into the chair.

So, all that to say, I left the room with my heart warmed and a smile on my face. His innocense was absolutely refreshing. His spirit was contagious and his sense of ease in his own skin was encouraging. God is so kind to brighten our days with the small things. He knows how to make us smile. And, I sure hope that his internship goes well...and that he doesn't have to use a respirator mask.

Hummus

Today I went to lunch with my grandpa Kilpatrick. He is pretty cute, and he likes to buy whatever catches your fancy on the menu. All I said was "oh, hummus and pita...that's good" and I moved on to the rest of the menu. He is like "oh, I like beans, do you want that? Let's get that!" He was going to get soup and salad, but I mentioned the Southwest Chicken Salad looked good and he then said, "Okay, we'll both get that." I don't know, i just thought it was funny.

So, the waitress brought out this great platter of goopy, decidant hummus, warm pita bread, green cucumbers, and red tomatoes. My grandpa ate the black olives - oooh gross! We feasted on pita and hummus and it was so good. I just love food, and I love hummus, and I felt so happy we could order it and splurge a little. I miss that. So, thank you grandpa kilpatrick for spoiling me with pita and hummus at lunch. It is now my dinner too. It's nice when a good man pays :)

Obedience

There are probably many reasons that "obeying" is so hard for kids and adults alike. Obeying, or disobeying, reveals a heart attitude in myself and also unmasks my attitude towards the person whom I am supposed to obey. God requires complete, 100% obedience of the things He calls us to do while pursuing a holy life. To partially obey is in fact disobedience. God wants all of our heart to be submitted unto His will and His plans. It is a trust issue - trusting whether God's ways really are "right" or "profitable".

Do you ever feel like God is asking too much of you? Do you feel like He is asking you to do something you a) have no desire to do b) have no strength to do or c) have no idea HOW to do? Often I think I have an excuse to not FULLY obey God, and instead I just "try" to obey Him, when really I am circumventing full obedience for x, y, and z reasons. God says though in His word that there is blessing in obedience, even when we don't perceive/understand/shortly experience the blessing. He says our obedience is part and partial to our love for Him. So, if I love God why is it so hard to die to myself and confess my lack of faith in His ways? I think it is partly because we do not ASK Him to help us FULLY and THOROUGHLY obey Him. We try to do it in our own wavering strength and resolve, only to be suprised it is too hard. We sort of notice it's hard, we dust ourselves off, nurse our pride, and say, "well, I tried." No, God wants us to pray in full assurance of FAITH that He will help us FULLY obey whatever it is He is asking us to do. He wants to fill us with strength in our most inner-being, even if, and especially when, it hurts. And, He does not promise obedience is easy or painfree despite His power, but He promise grace and mercy for the moment. He is kind.

Right now I have to pray specifically for a greater outpouring of His power to help me fully obey Him by following His leading in my life. I don't know where I am going, I don't know why it is going this way, and sometimes I don't really like it. So, let me tell you, it seem impossible at times. There are some very painful moments in obedience. God is forcing me to exercise spiritual muscles by walking in obedience that I may learn to believe God and to trust God. I think He allows competing desires to exist in order to practically show us that no matter how strong/powerful a competing desire is, God's GRACE can give us an even STRONGER desire to obey Him.

I think that is pretty darn encouraging....just ask Him...

Have you asked Him to help you fully do the thing He wants you to do?
(consistent devos, reconciling a relationship, asking for forgiveness, forgiving someone else, honesty in finances, self control, kick an unhealthy habit, make a decision, etc)

He is able..."now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we think or ask...to Him be the glory in the church forever and ever."

Lastly, remember, "obedience of the heart takes time" (Rob Nash), but "He who has begun a good work WILL BRING IT TO COMPLETION...in the day of the Lord Jesus Christ!"

An outstanding woman!

I feel compelled to honor Hannah Brandes today. I have actually been thinking about it for sometime. I admire Hannah for many things, most of which are probably things I lack in myself and desire to emmulate more in my own life.

First, Hannah is FUN! She has a wonderful freedom to have fun and ENJOY the life God has given her.

Second, Hannah is courageous. She does not demonstrate or exhibit fear of the future, or discontentment with the place God has put her in life. She seems to make the most of her gifts and talents, and has a strong sense of self.

Third, Hannah is well rounded. She has many many gifts and talents that don't fit in a box. She is also too modest to tell you about them.

Fourth, Hannah is beautiful!!! She has not only a glowing outside and GREAT HAIR, but she also has a strong and beautiful spirit. She is full of strength and grace. She is refreshing to be around because she is not obsessed with herself, and any hint of that is hidden in not taking herself too seriously.

Fifth, Hannah is godly and she is a memorizer of God's Word (see her recent blog entry).

Sixth, Hannah is a servant. She just comes and sets up that darn coffee on greeting team, takes things down, serves in children's ministry...and she LOVES it. I am encouraged to examine my own grumbling heart when I work with Hannah and remember how I first LOVED to serve in anyway when I first came to SGF.

Seventh, Hannah is able to connect with people on various levels of conversations and intimacy...a real gift! She listens to me ramble in my wandering mind, and she listens to others talk about their kids, and she listens to the WORD.

Eighth, Hannah does not seem to have an anxious personality, but quiet and strong trust in her Heavenly Father.

Ninth, Hannah, even when things get hard and she is down, she still does not seemt o dwell on her problems or her sins, but she is able to step out of them - that is awesome.

Ten, and lastly because Dunn Bro is shutting down, Hannah is loyal and faithful to her friends and her family. She is a devoted friend to many, even though she doesn't feel like she is someone else's "best friend".

Hannah, you probably don't even read this, but if you do I want you to know there is ABUNDANT GRACE over your life. I am so blessed to know you and I am thankful to learn from you dear one.

Life in Urgent Care - 5 yr olds are brave!

I had to suture ("sew") up the lateral border of a 5 year old girl's little lip today. She fell in gym class and actually bit through her lip. I could see through her chubby cheek. She was more annoyed by the fact we didn't want her to talk then by the fact I was going to stick a sharp needle into her face to numb her up, and then place two stitches. She was just as brave as most other kiddos her age, and definitely had a stiffer lip than most of the middle-aged men I have to sew up who drop things on themselves (or get hit in the face with a hockey puck!). I stuck a 1/2inch needle into the hole in her cheek and injected the anesthetic. She took it like a champ. Only one small tear roled down her cheek! Then I placed two stitches and she was done! I wiped off her face, she went to the bathroom to check out her new accessory and told her to wait until her tongue stopped being numb before she ate anything. I don't know. I like being the one to walk someone through difficult things. It was really simple, and she was really brave, and that is why I like my life. Then there was that person that "needed" an antibiotic for their one-day history of a 99 degree temperature....

Grrr - techo help

Can somebody help me get the old template off and the new one on without having the white background around my posts? I don't get it because other people's are integrating nicely?? I am techo-incompetent!