Can it be true?

As a cursed perfectionist and people-pleaser in life, I find myself constantly tangled up in legalistic thinking. As a "science" person I am also very analytical and I constantly find myself "logically" thinking and approaching life in a way that sometimes is contrary to the life of FAITH. Of late, an obvious struggle is having courage to face an unknown future. My lovely godmother, Auntie Myrna, kindly reminds me that "Kristie, everyone faces an unknown future. You are nothing special in that." Thank you Auntie Myrna from taking my nose away from the trees in order to see the forest. Nevertheless, I struggle (common theme here!) with the idea that I have to "arrive" to a certain level of obedience, faith, holiness, eligibility, steadfastness, humilty, "gentle and quiet spirit likeness"...before God can bless me. This is because I perceive that God blesses those types of "arrived" people. And, somewhere in that, there has got to be a certain elimate of truth in that...I am just not sure what that is biblically :) So, when I see my short-comings, ineligibility, or areas of constant battle I can easily (too easily) become discouraged. Suddenly, the tempting thoughts of despair and wordly sorrow takes root in my heart and mind and I spiral down towards negative, faithless thinking. I wonder how I will be acceptable to a a spouse, or friend, (or caleb - not that it matters anymore), if I can't "get it together"?

The remedy usual prescribed to me is to "focus on the gospel" and the verse "For He who did not spare His own Son how will He then not give us all good things?". I understand the logic that if God has met our greatest need in salvation, why would He hold back any other blessing your heart truly desires? What my brain does is say, "God gave us all I need, therefore, He does not owe me a thing. Why would I expect to have more?" If I cannot meet up to His "blessings standard" then why would I expect perceived "blessings"? I forget His generosity.

This is where the Lord has met me recently. Romans 5:8 says that God demonstrated His love for me in this: while I was STILL a sinner, Christ died for me. God died for me as an unfinished product. He didn't die for me as a 5yr-old girl with only minimal visible sin...He died for all my lifelong imperfections and sinful attitudes. He foresaw ALL my struggles, rebellion, rejection, anger, impatience, and faithlessness...and He still died for me. He didn't wait for me to "arrive". It is precisly this short verse that gives me the hope to connect the "all good things" verse with Romans 5:8. It brings me a lot of hope that God's blessings are independent of my ability to arrive at some standard I have set for myself. If I could hybrid the verses it would say, "God demonstrated His love for you Kristie knowing that you would forever struggle, and He accepted you, and He blessed you ANYWAYS with salvation, and He promises that future blessings, love, good things, and all you hope for can, but won't necessarily, be given unto you because you cannot earn them. God intervened."

His acceptance, patience, love, and possible blessings of marriage or kids, wealth or poverty...they all are possible. I have to apply this verse quite frequently to the negative and worldly thinking patterns of my mind. But, there is hope, and I am greatly relieved to cast my cares on Him for that because He cares for me. I am acceptable to Him because of Him.