Can it be true?

As a cursed perfectionist and people-pleaser in life, I find myself constantly tangled up in legalistic thinking. As a "science" person I am also very analytical and I constantly find myself "logically" thinking and approaching life in a way that sometimes is contrary to the life of FAITH. Of late, an obvious struggle is having courage to face an unknown future. My lovely godmother, Auntie Myrna, kindly reminds me that "Kristie, everyone faces an unknown future. You are nothing special in that." Thank you Auntie Myrna from taking my nose away from the trees in order to see the forest. Nevertheless, I struggle (common theme here!) with the idea that I have to "arrive" to a certain level of obedience, faith, holiness, eligibility, steadfastness, humilty, "gentle and quiet spirit likeness"...before God can bless me. This is because I perceive that God blesses those types of "arrived" people. And, somewhere in that, there has got to be a certain elimate of truth in that...I am just not sure what that is biblically :) So, when I see my short-comings, ineligibility, or areas of constant battle I can easily (too easily) become discouraged. Suddenly, the tempting thoughts of despair and wordly sorrow takes root in my heart and mind and I spiral down towards negative, faithless thinking. I wonder how I will be acceptable to a a spouse, or friend, (or caleb - not that it matters anymore), if I can't "get it together"?

The remedy usual prescribed to me is to "focus on the gospel" and the verse "For He who did not spare His own Son how will He then not give us all good things?". I understand the logic that if God has met our greatest need in salvation, why would He hold back any other blessing your heart truly desires? What my brain does is say, "God gave us all I need, therefore, He does not owe me a thing. Why would I expect to have more?" If I cannot meet up to His "blessings standard" then why would I expect perceived "blessings"? I forget His generosity.

This is where the Lord has met me recently. Romans 5:8 says that God demonstrated His love for me in this: while I was STILL a sinner, Christ died for me. God died for me as an unfinished product. He didn't die for me as a 5yr-old girl with only minimal visible sin...He died for all my lifelong imperfections and sinful attitudes. He foresaw ALL my struggles, rebellion, rejection, anger, impatience, and faithlessness...and He still died for me. He didn't wait for me to "arrive". It is precisly this short verse that gives me the hope to connect the "all good things" verse with Romans 5:8. It brings me a lot of hope that God's blessings are independent of my ability to arrive at some standard I have set for myself. If I could hybrid the verses it would say, "God demonstrated His love for you Kristie knowing that you would forever struggle, and He accepted you, and He blessed you ANYWAYS with salvation, and He promises that future blessings, love, good things, and all you hope for can, but won't necessarily, be given unto you because you cannot earn them. God intervened."

His acceptance, patience, love, and possible blessings of marriage or kids, wealth or poverty...they all are possible. I have to apply this verse quite frequently to the negative and worldly thinking patterns of my mind. But, there is hope, and I am greatly relieved to cast my cares on Him for that because He cares for me. I am acceptable to Him because of Him.

Contentment

Rob Nash preached at Stillwater Sovereign Grace Community church on Sunday. He spoke on "Contentment", again, which is always good yet challenging to hear. One quote that struck me particularily so is this:

"Has getting what you want/desire/crave ever really satisfied you?"

I thought at first that "yes" getting a good grade was encouraging, good tax returns, a date on a Friday night, an easy week...yes those things generally have satisfied me. But, on second glance I realize there is a difference between being relieved, proud of a job well done, etc, and feeling that deep & lasting satisfaction in your soul. I may have an incredibly strong desire to do something, and there are times when the Lord has given that to me, only to find out it wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be. I didn't get the rush of joy or pleasure out of it, I didn't fix any lingering problem or strained relationship. I wasn't satisfied.

Wordly happiness, which is OKAY at times, is temporary. Jesus asks us why we go to the water that cannot satisfy, why do we live off the bread alone, why do we pour our selves into things that cannot last because they are broken? I guess the Lord just allows us to taste satisfaction, only to later realize it wears off, and that we crave something deeper. He reminds us in His kindness that pursuing things outside His will, habits outside our best interest, and thinking about things or holding on to emotions or attitudes that contradict His word...they will not satisfy. In fact they will frustrate us, and maybe sometimes they make us despise the thing/desire/goal/attitude itself, because we realize they are counterfits to the real peace that God wants us to have when we trust His will for our present daily lives.

So, I just ask you to reflect, and contradict me if necessary, "has getting what you wanted every really satisfied?".

Do you have a verse?

I was struck this morning, and mostly last night, how the Lord has repeatedly brought a particular verse into my life. It was a theme for my time with Caleb; it has been a theme for my time after our break up; and it has been the theme for my time trying to be faithful to finish the things He has given me to do as I look towards an unknown future.

My verse is Romans 15:13
"May the God of all Hope fill you with all Joy and Peace as you trust in Him, that you may abound with Hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

There are obvious reasons why this verse has been extremely applicable in my life. I could probably write a book on it. "Joy and peace" mean I am not "bitter and worried". When I look at my life I see many temptations to become "bitter and worried", but I know that those are not the characteristics of a soul that is lovely, quiet, or gentle. And, I am reminded that it is the POWER of the Holy Spirit at work in me that brings about this Hope...and I am fighting/struggling/wrestling/crying out to believe that Hope does not disappoint, because God says it does not. If He is not true and His word is not Truth, and He is not faithful, then what can be? Who or what can be my rock? Prone to wander, LORD, I FEEL it, prone to leave the God (and truth) I love...but take my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above. Keep me from falling Lord Jesus.

So, I whisper constant silent prayers these days when I can't think of quite the right verse to remind myself of and I FEEL overwhelmed. I breathe the simple words, "believe", and "do not be anxious"...because I NEED the Peace and Joy that scripture promises me...because I want to be lovely inside, having spent time in the reflection of the Word.

So, I ask you, do you have a verse?

SHOUT OUT!

This is a "Shout out" to my sister, Katie Nash, because she is so cool!

25 minutes, exactly

So my presentation on Friday was supposed to be 20 minutes, but they would ABSOLUTELY cut you off at 25 minutes.Well, as of midnight the night before, my presentation was still 30minutes and awkward, and I had only practiced 2x (not my usual norm)! I got up at 6am, practiced 1.5 times, but had to go take the 3hr computer test, which was somewhat brutal. Thankfully, other people thought it was brutal too. Ahhh, misery loves company :) I was very nervous for the presentation, but turns out so was the rest of my group, so we all sweated it out together. Ahh, strength in numbers :) The presentation went smoothly and the words just flew out of my mouth...and I wasn't cut off because I hit 25 minutes, exactly! What a miracle. Praise the Lord He hears our cries and answers our pathetic prayers for strength, coherency, and succinct communication (something that is hard to do when you are me)! So, God pulled me through...it felt lousy being so tired...but His strength was made perfect in my weakness.

Moreso, I was somewhat bummed that I didn't know what to do AFTER all the hard work was done...who would I celebrate with who could appreciate the work just accomplished? Well, the Lord used a few of my classmates to extend grace and kindness towards me and they invited me out for drinks, and then dinner at the MOA. Whoa, hadn't been there in a long while. They knew things had been "rough" and were just so kind to me, including me in their friendships, and just allowing me to tag along. A really kind girl, Amanda, followed me to my house, and then drove me to and from the mall...just so I would go.

So, God was extremely kind towards me. It didn't feel good, but He was faithful to complete the job. I feel extreme relief to have this part past me. Although there are still 12 weeks of studying ahead I KNOW that if He can get me through what He has just brought me through, then He can get me through anything. But, I won't test him :)

9 Hours!

Today, Friday, represents a HUGE academic, emotional, and spiritual milestone for me. In 9 hours I will be done with my Physician Assistant Master's Presentation, my online exam, and personally, a very challenging 6 weeks of life. Praise God! God has taught me A LOT about perseverence and the humility that is required to be faithful everyday to the thing He has given me to do, no matter my opinion on the matter.

He is teaching me that His grace IS sufficient...sufficient to forgive my sins, to account my soul as righteous, and keep me in His flock. His grace is sufficient to have my mom cook meals for me, my preceptor to give me a few days off early, my Labor/Delivery day today to be absolute uneventful so I could study, caffeine to keep me awake despite bad bad sleep right now, my friends to sit by me at coffee shops to keep me focused, my good friend Katie Allison to supplement the much needed verbal affirmation I have been missing, people to correct my behavior, an enjoyable endocrinology rotation, a trip to visit my brother, cause unexpected people to send me caribou gift cards, and a sister that listens to me almost everyday work through my lack of faith, my sin, my struggles, and my victories...plus her kiddos are UNBELIEVABLY cute.

Nevertheless, I do still ask for prayer for my presentation and my testing because as a friend said, "prayer WORKS!". Please pray for God's mercy on my presentation and that I can communicate clearly. Pray I would bring Him honor by doing the very best I can because He wants me to be the very best PA student I can be...and there is Joy that follows pleasing Him in this.

Thanks for journey-ing with me!

Sorry

Hey, sorry to scare the readers with the difficult thoughts. I just want you to know I do have hope in the Lord.

"For you O Lord are good and forgiving; abundant in steadfast love to those who call upon your name".

And also, "How great is the Lord's lovingkindness towards us! For His truth is everlasting!" Psalm 117.

For the Psalmist also says in 118 "For I will not die, but I will live that I may tell of the works of the Lord. For He has disciplined me severly, but He has not handed me over to death!"

In Ephesians 1 Paul says "In love, He predestined us for adoption as sons (daughters) through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the Kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in His Beloved."

For we have the same power that raised Christ from the dead working at us so that we can say "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we can ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever." Ephesians 3:20-21.

Now, back to work on my Master's presentation. Yikes!

Anger

I confess, it was an angry morning. I was spent an hour trying to become un-angry with life, with God, with myself, with a few people...and after reading the verse "My grace is sufficient unto you. My power is made perfect in weakness" I just about lost it. The anger-meter went through the roof! I was DONE with it all. Done with sin, done with sinful responses to God's ways, done with feeling so much deep pain and discouragement. Sometimes His grace just doesn't seem "sufficient" to keep me from falling. Anger comes from the feeling that I am not perceiving, experiencing, or living under the kind of deep and rich and satisfying grace that springs you out of bed, inspires you to encourage a friend, helps you to carry your head high and smile, and earnestly protects your heart from speaking such wretched things against the Lord when you are angry.

My mom said the rest of my post wouldn't be very encouraging to non-believers, or believers, so to summarize in a more honoring way...i am prideful and resist God's direction. Plus, I lack belief in God's promises and the Truth that is in His word. I ride the emotional train quite frequently, and something God is trying to teach me is self-control of my thoughts and words. So, I apologize for being so negative. It is hard for me to know how to communicate sometimes. I want Victory, I want peace, I want happiness, I want laughter, I want blessings, I want to worship, I do NOT want to struggle and fight all the time the war within me. I guess my flesh does not want to LEARN (aka: go through the work) this lesson because it is extremely unpleasant.

So, the purpose of this was to let you know I struggle. I don't want to be an ugly woman on the inside. I want to be lovely. I want God to change my heart and make me lovely. I don't want to be mad at God, I want to be in LOVE with Him. I want to LOVE others. I need to obey God and have courage to embrace all that God has for me even when i can't see it or understand it. I need belief. But, for now, as Ruth Whipple said a bit ago, "Isn't nice to know that at SOME point you will be on the other side of this experience."

Shenoch

"And Enoch walked until he was no more.." I suppose this means that Enoch walked until he died and God took him up into the heavenlies. BUT, the way it really ministers to me is that Enoch walked until the essence of "Enoch" was no more. He claimed no rights to himself, his future, his life, his soul. He was completey hidden and lost in Christ. Enoch's essence was Christ. My prayer is that one day I will be swallowed up completely by Christ in thought, word, and deed. May you walk in such a way with Jesus that when you leave this earth the trumpets will resound and all will cry, "She walked until she was no more."