Single?

So, I have to admit, I have done something I thought I would never do/be. I have seen in myself something that I never had patience or grace for before in other women. While Caleb is in Toronto for the week (he left today), I realized already this morning that I don't know what to do with myself without him around.

When I wasn't dating Caleb I studied, or read, or blogged, or babysat, or ran, or did things for other people. I had a very full life. But, that life was on my own terms and timeline. I did what felt good and right for the day because I could, which is one of the true luxuries of singleness. But I have found as a female, and maybe it's just me, that dating/being engaged seems to mean merging my life INTO Caleb's world. Yes, I bring all of me with me, but I also leave somethings behind. There is something instinctive in me that wants to make him happy and make his life better. Whether this is healthy or not, I find it is pretty easy to sort of give up the things I used to do. I don't know if that's because my role is shifting from everyone else to more of one person, or that there is just not time to be/do what I used to do. Don't get me wrong, mentally deciding to leave thigns behind is different than emotionally leaving them behind. What I see is that although that is my heart's desire, there is also a part of me that wants to "do my own thing" and have the things in my life that make me who I am. There is obviously nothing wrong with that - to a degree. I am just not sure what that is supposed to look like I guess.

Auntie Myrna's words, "it's not a you, or a me, but a WE...you have to find what works for you and Caleb and the Lord..." keep echoing through my head. So, i don't know what the balance is right now, but I am pretty sure I am out of it when i can't remember what to do by myself. Now, this is also not to say Caleb is demanding my time...he is just a "companion" sort of guy, and i happen to work a lot, and I live with my folks. The only alone time i really have is my commute in the car, and the precious minutes before bedtime and before running out the door. Maybe this is just to help me not get too comfortable with solitude and time of reflection before getting married and having kids!!!!

So, maybe my week of singleness will be a chance to evaluate and reset my time and boundaries. Maybe I will stay just as busy as before, but maybe you could pray the lord would speak to me and help guide me in how to "do" this transition of roles and expectations. maybe you could pray I would seek to please the Lord above seeking to please everyone else. For I really need the Lord, and I need his presence and nurturing in my life more than others.

Hosea 6 says "Let us know, let us press on to KNOW the Lord; His going out is sure ashte dawn; He will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." He is the restorative factor in my life, but I must press into him and KNOW him, as in a covenent way of knowing someone...like in the covenent of marriage and that intimacy. He want me to intimately know him as a groom his bride, for only He will satisfy.